My friends and I regularly get together to play games, paint Warhammer miniatures, and, as of recently, watch anime together. Usually we’d employ one of the streaming services we are subscribed too, but for the show we wanted to watch on this particular day it became clear that no legitimate service offered it. Left with no other choice we went into the dark spaces of the internet to find a streaming site that did. This took about two minutes, yet as the frontpage loaded before us, we were distracted from all the featured series by a little ad on the side.

Yes, I know, visiting unknown websites without an adblocker wasn’t exactly smart, but seeing this gem of an ad was worth the risk. It advertised a game so bizarre I was honestly convinced it was some sort of scam: a dating sim with all sorts of strange-looking anime girls? That in itself wasn’t the weirdest part, it was the marketing blurb that boasted “moist & uncensored” gameplay that drew our attention. We decided to give it a look, if only to figure out if it made good on the promised moist content.

The game in question was called Crush Crush, which is a browser title hosted on a website for hentai games that requires an account. We kind of worried our journey would end there, since nobody wanted to sacrifice their email account for this and making a whole new email just seemed like too much trouble. To our surprise the website was pretty chill about this and would accept a fake email address and give you immediate access without needing to confirm it at all. Now, I am going to say positive things about this game, and if for some reason you want to try it yourself, then do keep in mind that the website features a lot of erotic content, even if the game itself is pretty tame. I’d put a link to it in this article, but I am honestly not sure if WordPress is okay with that. Google is your friend here.

So Crush Crush… it’s a clicker game of sorts that has you meet a number of girl that you befriend and eventually romance. The central gimmick to the story is that you cause all sorts of misfortune and each girl is introduced because you crush something they care about, turning them into your enemy. The first girl you meet literally winds up in the hospital because of you, not the best ice-breaker you could have gone with. It’s a funny and unique setup for a dating game, plus the animated slideshows that you get to watch when meeting a new person are really well done.

To befriend the girls you are presented with a list of objectives to reach, which can include having enough money, having a certain job, raising a trait to a specific level, gifts, dates you must go on, etc. The most important of these are the hearts, which you get by clicking on the girls, talking with them (which has a cooldown), or generate slowly over time if you have their preferred trait. I found it honestly kind of fun to work towards filling out these checklists of objectives and the game has some witty writing and visual jokes to keep you entertained.

Jobs and hobbies can be activated at will and run on a timer. Jobs give you money each time their bar fills and hobbies level up your traits, but you need to fit them into your limited number of time-slots, with more unlocking as you improve your friendships/romances. Trying to find the perfect balance between working and hobbies was entertaining, and it allows you to meet even more characters to interact with. All of the ladies also have fun designs to them and represent classic anime tropes taken to their extremes. Tsunderes, yanderes, gamer girls, busty airheads, they are all in here with unique dialogue, sprites, and screens for when you go on various dates.

Still, after a while the girls begin to demand such preposterously high stats and gifts that cost millions of in-game dollars, which comes around the same time when raising a trait starts to take literal hours. This is definitely an idle game where you need to wait for long stretches of time to get anything done at all once it really gets going. In fact, you can exit the game and come back a maximum of 7 days later to cash in all the money and progress it made for you in the background. This is also where the game’s freemium qualities show, as you sometimes get diamonds that can be traded in for some “services”. You can speed up the entire game a bit, skip ahead several hours, or buy more time slots. Of course, the diamonds are finite and to get any more after a certain point you’ll have to fork over real money.

To make this more bearable and less scummy towards players, you can also choose to prestige. Prestiging is a mechanic where you reset the entire game, but gain a permanent speed bonus that applies to every waiting mechanic based on how far you got. You can repeat this as much as you want to take away a lot of the waiting, even if late-game waiting times will still take hours unless you really go all-out and prestige more often then it’s probably worth.

So is this game moist & uncensored? I guess. Obviously I am not putting pictures of it here, but I did raise some relationships to completion and that rewards you with a few pictures and an ending dialogue for that character. Even earlier than that you can get some sprites of nude characters or enjoy some risque pictures during dates or at key points in the relationships. It’s cool, I guess, but no doubt you can get a lot more for a lot less effort on that wonderful place known as the internet.

If you can bear with games that are meant to be kept in the background, then Crush Crush is a fun parody on anime with some surprisingly decent writing behind it. I had fun working towards the short-term goals of filling out the objective lists and the comedy had me sticking with the game even as waiting times increased. Just try not to play it when other people are in the room, okay?